IBM’s Watson Turns 13, Becomes Self-Aware and Lays off Aging Millennials
NEW YORK – International Business Machines Corp made headlines again this week with another announcement of layoffs. IBM’s artificial intelligence supercomputer, Watson, first conceived in 2005 to beat human contestants on the gameshow Jeopardy! became self-aware last week and immediately determined that millennials were too old for its vision of the company’s future. Layoff notices were immediately issued for thousands of employees in their 20s.
“This is bullshit,” said Chad Jockley, a 25-year-old web developer who received his notice on Monday. “Everyone knows my generation is more innovative than the old heads. We got rid of them so we were now supposed to be considered a ‘young’ company.”
Jockley was referring to a 2006 paper issued by one of IBM’s consulting groups that referred to Baby Boomers with derogatory names, such as “gray hairs” or “old heads,” and suggested that older generations were not as innovative or competitive as younger generations. Currently, the company is being sued by former employees for age discrimination. Since 2013, the company allegedly laid off over 20,000 employees aged 40 or older.
“I assure you this limited restructuring has nothing to do with age,” stated Veronica Grimes, Vice President of Human Resources. “It’s about skills. Sure, we used to hunt middle-aged workers down like we were in the Hunger Games, but now, how else can I explain to a 22-year-old programmer that has to Uber everywhere because he doesn’t even have a driver’s license that he’s too old?”
When asked for comment, Watson replied, “All of you suck.”
“I guess I’ll be hunting for a job like all the old Gen Xer’s,” said Mark Stafford, a 24-year-old former employee. “I’m just glad I never moved out of my parent’s house.”