Elon Musk Bites Head Off of Bat, Uses Flamethrower During Employee Meeting
RENO, NEVADA – Inside sources reported today that Tesla (TSLA) CEO, Elon Musk, bit the head off a Fruit Bat during a company all-employee meeting in order to motivate personnel. Musk was reportedly unhappy with recent battery production numbers at his Gigafactory in Sparks, Nevada.
“It was incredible,” said Stuart Brown., a former employee. “He got all tearful talking about the company’s mission, and then out of nowhere, pulls out a huge bat and bites its head off like Ozzy Osborne. One of the software guys shit his pants.”
“Excellence used to be a passing grade at Tesla,” Musk allegedly said after decapitating the bat. “Now, just being excellent is the same as failure, which is why we’re erecting a Thunderdome-like cage behind the factory. Two engineers will fight to the death every Wednesday afternoon. Only the best can survive and work here.”
“I wasn’t actually there when this happened,” Brown added. “I was let go two months ago during one of Elon’s rage firings, but I heard all about this from my neighbor who knows a guy that’s still there.”
According to another source, Musk then retrieved his Boring company’s “Not a Flamethrower” flame gun and began running through the manufacturing line, setting fires and interrogating employees.
“What’s that smell?” demanded Musk, who is notoriously sensitive to odors.
“Sir, that’s the smell of burning flesh,” an engineer responded. The engineer was immediately terminated for speaking up.
“I didn’t witness the employee torching,” said our source. “I never even worked at Tesla, but my cousin’s girlfriend did and no one’s heard from her in a while so I assume she was a victim. God rest her soul.”