All White Male Executive Team Self-Identifies as Black Women; Declares Diversity Goal Now 100%
NEW YORK – Members of the executive team of Porrada Packaging, Inc. took the bold move today to unanimously self-identify as black women to meet company diversity goals. The current executive team, consisting of 8 white men between the ages of 45-55 has been in place for the past 7 years, replacing an all-white male executive team that had been in place since the company was founded in 1986.
“For years, we’ve struggled with how to get more diversity in our executive ranks. Grooming and promoting talent takes too long and the Board of Directors demanded action, so we came up with a perfect solution,” stated CEO and President David McFarley. “I mean, if that Rachel person at the NAACP can do it, then why can’t we?”
McFarley was referring to the 2014 case of Rachel Dolezal, a white woman who claimed to be black. Dolezal was serving as President of the Spokane, Washington chapter of the NAACP when it was discovered she had been born a blond, blue-eyed white woman to a middleclass family in Montana. In response, Dolezal claimed that she self-identified as a black woman and sparked a national debate.
“Self-identification is not based on race or ancestry,” said Preston Kolowski, Executive Vice President for Sales and Marketing. “As a self-identified Black woman, I now have the same shared life experiences as a 27-year-old single mom from the south side of Chicago. I did, in fact, grow up in Chicago. Well, I actually went to a boarding school in Lake Forest, so it’s kind of the same thing.”
When asked if he had been to the south side of Chicago, Kolowski responded, “Why the hell would I do that? Those neighborhoods are frickin’ scary.”
“I can assure you that this is not any sort of cultural appropriation,” CEO McFarley said. “This is about freedom of choice. Freedom to identify with whomever we choose. Why should our identifies be held hostage by our DNA, upbringing, or collective social experiences?”
The NAACP could not be reached for comment at the time of this reporting.
“So, if I identify as a middle-aged white guy, do I now get a promotion?” asked employee Anita Wilson during a company meeting. Wilson was immediately reprimanded for the outburst and sent to sensitivity training.