Company Hires Yoda, 900-year-old Jedi Master, to Provide Sexual Harassment Training
SALT LAKE CITY – Kimura Industries, Inc. announced during its quarterly earnings call that it’s implementing a new sexual harassment training program in response to recent allegations of impropriety. The company took the unprecedented move of hiring a 900-year-old Jedi master to lead the training.
“Grab asses, you will not. Mmmm. Texting pictures of your Wookie, inappropriate it is,” Yoda said to a group of senior executives during a recent leader retreat. He shook his head and spoke very slowly, “Termination and much suffering I see in your future.”
“We wanted to bring in someone that could relate to all generational groups,” said Mark Huntley, Chief People Advocate Officer for Kimura. “All age groups can identify with Yoda. Baby Boomers can relate to Yoda’s age and Millennials can relate to his vague, new age Force philosophy.”
“There is much social media that clouds your judgement, young executive. Raunchy emails, lewd text messages, touching others. That is why you fail. This is the way to the dark side. Workplace hookups. Sexual favors. An executive craves not these things. Do or do not make obscene jokes. There is no try,” Yoda continued.
Not everyone is convinced of Kimura’s strategy. Some openly questioned the effectiveness of using an outside consultant. Yoda’s travel expenses are rumored to cost several times more than the training itself. Others were concerned that employees would not react well to a trainer that was from another species.
“Judge me by my size, do you? My ally is HR, and a powerful ally it is. HR policy, it surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the company together,” Yoda said, pointing his cane at the group.
When asked why an outside consultant was needed and why people in the workplace couldn’t just act like professionals or treat everyone with respect, Huntley responded, “I know what you are saying, but it’s hard.”
“Said that, she did,” Yoda said and immediately giggled.
“Oh, goddamn it,” Huntley said. “Now, I have to fire Yoda. Looks like we’re going back to 40 hours of mandatory self-paced online training. It’s completely ineffective, but at least it checks the block and makes the legal team happy.”