Manager Feels ‘Really Bad’ Laying Off Employees; Regretfully Takes Promotion, Pay Increase
CINCINNATI, OH – Dale Quinn, the newly promoted Vice President of Operations for Lambda Industries, said he felt really bad about laying off most of the employees in the department this past week, according to inside sources. During the same day as the announcement of layoffs, Quinn was coincidentally promoted and given a large salary increase.
“This is not personal. It’s just business,” Quinn said to our sources. “I promise you, no one has lost more sleep over this decision than me. Sure, I assume that some of our former employees who no longer have a paycheck are also a little anxious, but I’m confident everything will work out just fine for them.”
When asked if employees impacted by the recent announcement would be reallocated in the business, Quinn responded, “Of course we will do whatever we can. Employees will be given 72 hours to find, apply, interview, be selected for, and accept a new job within the company. If they are unsuccessful, we have the finest placement services working on their behalf to find external opportunities.”
“Are you kidding me?” asked one employee upon hearing the news. “Management gave me a card referring me to Monster.com. I didn’t even know that site was still up.”
Meanwhile, Quinn asked several departing employees to help him move into his new office.
“Well, they were already carrying boxes out of their offices, so why not carry a few more for me?” he said. “Look, I felt bad about taking this promotion. I mean, not bad enough to say no to a lot more money, but like, bad enough not to maintain direct eye contact as they shuffle past me. I’m probably going to close my door and think about this for a while. At least until they’re out of the building.”