Pharmaceutical Company Develops Pill to Make Salespeople More Assertive; 11 People Mauled to Death

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Pharmaceutical Company Develops Pill to Make Salespeople More Assertive; 11 People Mauled to Death

BOCA RATON, FL – Pharmaceutical giant, Pfizer, teamed up with Sunrise Vacation Ownership to pilot a new drug that promised to make salespeople more aggressive. This newfound assertiveness was intended to increase sales at the struggling timeshare company but quickly spun out of control. The concoction, which was predominately testosterone infused with meth amphetamine, resulted in the death of 11 customers.

“We typically kickoff the day with a team jumpstart,” said Christine Chen, a spokesperson for Sunrise. “Think of it as a small pep rally. We crank up some AC/DC and lead the team through some chants to get everyone pumped up to meet their customers and make a sale. Right at the point when we started to scream motivational slogans at the top of our lunges the drug really kicked in, and that’s when shit hit the fan. Actually, it was more like an industrial turbine than a fan.”

One bystander described the scene as a horrific bloodbath.

“I watched a 5′ 2″ saleswoman in 4″ heels run straight through the drywall like it was tissue paper. She sank her nails into the calf of a man trying to escape. The entire time she was screaming, ‘Get into this presentation and buy now.’ Then she ate his spleen,” said the onlooker who requested to remain anonymous.

“Each salesperson we hire is rigorously tested through various personality assessments, Myers-Briggs, Caliper Profile, HPI, and others,” said Chen. “We usually only hire extreme extroverts. Perhaps injecting them with steroids and speed was a little over the top.”

Chen pointed out that not all the recipients of the drug were extroverts. She said, “The behavior was really interesting with the one expressive-introvert in the group.”

What Chen referred to as interesting, one survivor called terrifying.

“This one bald salesperson stripped off half his clothes, made himself the leader, and directed the others to make primitive weapons from the tables and chairs,” said the survivor. “I swear, it was like watching Colonel Kurtz from Apocalypse Now. I blacked out when they built the fire pit for their human sacrifices.”

Pfizer would not comment on when the drug would be approved by the FDA and be ready for additional trials.

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Written by Jay


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