Employee Becomes ‘Vaporware’ of the Office; Adds No Value But Still Manages to Get Paid
RALEIGH, NC – Paul Dillingworth believes he has cracked the code to enjoying corporate life. He is compensated well but performs little, if any, meaningful work. He said he was inspired by the many software companies that greatly increased their share price based on what they were expected to deliver but never actually released anything new.
“One day while playing Duke Nukem, the idea hit me. Why work so hard? I mean, couldn’t I just play the part and get paid for my potential rather than actually producing anything?” Dillingworth said.
Three plastic surgeries later, Dillingsworth was back in the office with an expensive new wardrobe and a golden tan that makes it look like he’s always just returning from vacation. He’s happy to tell you about how keto transformed his body, but he leaves out the small tidbit about calve implants..
“I don’t know what that guys does, but he just looks like executive material,” said Veronica Gillum. “He must be on the fast track to the C-suite.”
Gillum’s sentiment is echoed throughout the office.
“I want to hate the guy,” said Dillingsworth’s peer Matt Regis. “But, I admit, I’m just jealous. He even smells like success.”
Dillingsworth spends most of his time chatting with coworkers or acting busy outside the executive offices. He tries to attend as many meetings as possible to create the illusion that he is knowledgeable.
“I like to piggyback off what others are saying. I sometimes say, ‘that’s an excellent point,’ while taking off my glasses and looking thoughtful, resting the glasses on the side of my head,” Dillingsworth said. “Other times I just restate what others say but add more buzzwords. You say that you want to communicate something out to the department, I say we should cross-pollinate ideas to create transformative change. The most important thing is to leave the meeting with no action items.”
To date, Dillingsworth has not completed one single deliverable.
“I just got a raise,” said Dillingsworth on his way to the exit. “Yeah, I know it’s only 2:30 in the afternoon but I’ll be back in the office at 10AM tomorrow.”