Letter from Facilities Management: Go ahead and do Anything You Want. We Don’t Mind. Really.
This is your friendly facilities manager, Jeremy, here. I just wanted to send you a quick note to let you know that we really don’t mind what you do to the workplace. As long as it makes you more comfortable, we’re totally okay with it. Our mission is to make you happy, so whatever we can do, even if that means stepping aside and staying silent while you turn the office building into a deathtrap.
We’ve noticed quite a few of you trying to sneak home appliances into the office. Hey, don’t hide it. Who doesn’t like the sound of a gurgling Keurig early in the morning? One of you even has your own espresso machine. We respect your bold disregard of fire codes. Bring your little refrigerator. You want to bring your microwave too? That’s fine with us. The other day, I walked through the building and someone had a hotplate in their cubicle and was making pancakes. Pancakes! Do you believe it? I’m not sure exactly sure what you people do, but you must be good at it if you can sit on your a$$ flipping frickin’ flapjacks while others around you are on a conference call. But who are we to judge?
Some of you have taken the liberty of redesigning your personal work station. We love your creativity. I’m sure it’s a good idea to bring your own power tools to redesign your space. That Liberal Arts degree probably taught you how to wield that circular saw, so go for it. We’ll do our best to help by putting 911 on speed dial so the EMTs can staple your digits back onto your limbs.
Lastly, I want you to know that my team and I feel for you. We believe that most of you were raised as feral animals by the way you treat the restrooms. Apparently, the a toilet seat and the toilet itself is a completely foreign concept to you. Don’t worry, the maintenance staff takes pride in cleaning up after you.
Thanks for your time. Remember, we exist to support whatever you need to do to the work environment.