Manager ‘Totally Not Surprised’ Employees Were Plotting His Death
AUSTIN, TX – Police arrested 8 employees at MagDisk, Inc. earlier today after they were allegedly planning to murder their boss. Law enforcement refused to speak on the matter but inside sources claim police found the employees with zip ties, pliers, a burlap sack, a jar of ether, several knives, a Taser, and a half gallon bucket of potato salad. Michael Hahn, the target of the plot, appeared unfazed when questioned by reporters.
“Yeah, I guess I saw this coming,” Han said. “They all started complaining a while ago when I denied their request for more work-life balance. That made me laugh. I told them that the company provided everyone the ability to maintain their families so work should be a priority. Their whiny spouses and kids can just shut it.”
According to sources, Hahn also developed derogatory nicknames for his staff. The nicknames usually revolved around unflatteringly physical attributes.
“Since they wanted more family time, I decided to treat them like family. In my family we all have nicknames. It’s a lot of fun. Everyone enjoys the humor,” Hahn said. “Besides, all my employees are so new, I can’t remember their names.”
“We’ve been working for Hahn for 8 years,” said Pete “Man Boobs” Williamson and Katherine “Preggo” Padowski.
Some speculate that the final straw was when Hahn forced his employees to help him move into his new house as a sort of team building exercise.
“Look, the furniture wasn’t going to move itself. Do you know how hard it is to get everything into an 8,000-square-foot house?” Hahn asked. “Nothing builds team bonds better than hardship, so it’s my job to provide that hardship.”
Police were alerted when one of the charged employees left a PowerPoint presentation describing the plot at a local Kinko’s.
“It was a really well done presentation. I wish they put that much effort into the tasks I assigned to them,” Hahn said. “The only thing that still confuses me is, what were they going to do with the potato salad?”
“Oh, we just figured all the kidnapping and torture would make us hungry later,” one of the conspiring employees supposedly said. “Ellen from accounting makes a killer potato salad.”
A company spokesperson for Magdisk refused to comment on this developing story.