New Hire Wins Employee of the Month Award, Immediately Run Out of the Company
CHARLOTTE, NC – Recent college grad, Gavin Underhill, was pleasantly surprised when his department vice president called him out publicly during an all-employee meeting to present him with the Employee of the Month award. As soon as the congratulatory applause subsided, employees unanimously agreed that Underhill needed to be chased out of the company as soon as possible.
“Who in the hell does that kid think he is?” asked Dale Mellon, a 20-year veteran of the company. “Is he going to come in here, work hard, and make the rest of us look bad? Not on my watch.”
“I thought millennials were supposed to be self-centered and lazy,” said Salvador Perez, another tenured employee. “Honestly, I was looking forward to that. I was planning to publicly harass him for not working as hard as the more seasoned workers. What’s his problem?”
Meanwhile, Underhill was baffled by the response he received for winning the award.
“As soon as I walked out of the all-employee meeting people started to look differently at me,” Underhill said. “You know how your dog looks at you sideways right before he snaps at you, like he’s going to eat your face? It was kind of like that.”
As the week went on, things only got stranger for the young employee.
“People started telling me to pace myself,” he said. “Then, they started saying things like, ‘at your rate, you’re gonna give yourself a heart attack, or maybe some broken thumbs.’ Why would my thumbs break from working so hard? Finally, one co-worker said, ‘payback is a MEDEVAC.’ I don’t know what that means, but it didn’t sound good.”
Uncomfortable with the growing tension in the office, Underhill decided to leave the company for other opportunities.
“It’s funny,” he said. “I hadn’t even turned in my resignation and my belongings were already boxed up and ready to go in my cubicle. It’s all okay though. I knew I needed to find a place that’s more of a meritocracy and will appreciate hard work, new ideas, and youthful enthusiasm. I can’t wait to start working at my new job in the federal government next Monday.”